Being perfect disorder

I recently got diagnosed with BPD/EUPD and complex PTSD. This diagnosis in itself hasn’t cured me of my symptoms, it hasn’t fixed my flaws and it hasn’t taken away any pain I’m experiencing.

It has made me view myself differently, and consider the history behind BPD and what this diagnosis represents.

My whole life I have dealt with shame and self hatred over my overwhelming emotions and intense mood swings - a diagnosis gives me a clearer path towards living a life without this unhelpful negative self perception. For me, a BPD diagnosis allows me to remove myself from the situation and view my behaviour and symptoms as a result of an illness that, without proper treatment, are out of my control.

But, it is hard for me to take on this diagnosis in a straightforward way that I might take on a physical diagnosis (eg my famous psoriasis). A personality disorder feels much harder to convey than something physical you can point to, something more tangible. Reading into BPD makes me question where my personality ends and where my personality disorder starts. I sort of feel that I have less of a personality. How do I know who I am vs what my BPD is doing to me?

And as someone who doesn’t consider herself to be very selfish, unkind or manipulative, are these now labels I have to start accepting for myself? After reading about BPD, it is frequently referenced that these are key personality traits for those who have this mental illness.

I feel very lucky to be someone who experiences emotions deeply and fully. I think this makes me empathetic and kind. Alongside this, I am very excited to start treatment that will help me manage and live with my diagnosis in a sustainable way, so I can be happier.